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Deployment Tips
Talk as a family
before deployment: Before a deployment, military members are usually
preoccupied with many preparatory activities at their military unit, requiring
extended hours and increased workload. As a result, military members
come home tired, perhaps late, and are already reluctant to address
painful issues of impending separation. Family members frequently
collude in this. It is important to overcome this resistance and make
plans with the family as far ahead as possible.
Bestow, rather than
"dump", responsibilities on remaining family members.
Concerns expressed by children after a parent has been deployed are
that everything has changed at home and they now have to do
"everything" that the deployed parent used to do. Discussions
before deployment, in which trust and faith in a child’s ability to
carry out a responsibility are expressed, are valuable times to help a
child to feel he/she is important to the family, is important to the
deployed parent, and that he/she can help share a potential burden with
the remaining parent. As a result, the remaining parent will have more
time and energy for the children.
Make plans for the
family to continue to progress together, and include the deployed
parent in ongoing projects. It is important that the family not put
"life on hold" in anticipation of the return of the deployed
parent.
This will result in
stagnation, loss of direction, and burn-out. Make plans for specific
goals to be reached by each of the children and the remaining parent,
as well as family projects to work on. Help children design ways to
communicate with the deployed parent, and relate progress made, so that
the deployed parent can be part of that progress by seeing pictures,
report cards, to which he/she can respond and provide encouragement.
Make sure the remaining parent and deployed parent have specific plans
on how to communicate. Keep regular but not too frequent communication.
Include the deployed parent informed and involved, but do not discuss
problems and issues that he/she cannot do anything about.
Continue family
traditions and develop new ones. One very stabilizing factor in a
family is routine and tradition. Don’t stop Friday pizza night, or
Saturday outings because the parent has deployed. If anything, become
more predictable in continuing traditions. Family bowling night,
attendance at and fellowship at places of worship, and involvement in
events with other families are important ways to maintain a sense of
stability and continuity. If the family has not previously had regular
family traditions, now is a good time to start them. Encourage children
to talk about these events and activities to the deployed parent in
their communication.
Help children
understand the finite nature of a deployment by devising
developmentally appropriate time-lines. Although the parents may not
always know the exact time that the deployment will take place, it is
still helpful to make an estimate, and then help a child craft a
calendar of some type, illustrated and punctuated with events which
help to define time for them. Examples to include are holidays,
birthdays, special family and extended family events, school events,
vacations, and other "markers" which help to divide up the
time of deployment absence into short and finite time episodes. Create
a paper timeline with dates, which extends around a room, which can be
illustrated by the child, or make a chain made of illustrated paper
links, which are dated and illustrated. These links can be cut
ceremoniously on a daily basis.
To children, no
news is worse than bad news. Studies with children of deployed parents
reveal that the children’s main preoccupation from day to day is not
over the absent parent, but with the remaining parent. At some level,
children are concerned about what is going on with the remaining
parent. If that parent becomes short, cross, self-absorbed, tearful,
with no explanation, the child’s fantasies about that parent’s ability
to function are worse than what the reality is. Thus, the remaining
parent should be relatively open about sharing concerns and news about
the deployed parent. If the child has an explanation as to why the
parent is irritable, tearful, or preoccupied, it is much easier to
accept. Parents should not use their children as surrogate adults and
load all of their concerns on the child, but should use judgment in
sharing enough to ease the child’s worries.
Listen to a child’s
worries about the deployed parent and answer questions as truthfully as
possible. Follow up a child’s questions with further questions as to
what prompted them to bring up an issue. Listen carefully first, before
trying to dispel what you consider to be false notions on the part of
the child. Explore as far as possible a child’s question and concern to
show that you are trying to understand what he/she is worried about.
Don’t keep pursuing the issue after a child appears to be satisfied. Be
reassuring about protective measures and training designed to protect
the deployed parent, but do not make false assurances about not getting
hurt or not dying.
Maintain firm
routine and discipline in the home. Under the best of circumstances,
maintaining order and routine for children in the home is difficult. It
is even more difficult when a parent is suddenly absent.
The child will
manifest anxiety about this new separation and the concerns over the
ability of the remaining parent to function, by testing the resolve of
the remaining parent, testing rules, and flouting routines.
With the increase
in responsibilities, numbers of tasks and new stresses, it will be
tempting not to pursue and enforce limits. Only later does it become
evident that the stress level increases quickly, when it is too late. Be
proactive and discuss with the child your intent to have very firm
routines related to bedtimes, morning routines, room clean-up, chore
accountability, and homework. Then follow through with a clear and
predictable set of consequences and rewards to keep the program going.
Initiate and
maintain a close relationship with the school and the child’s teacher.
Have a conference with the significant figures in the child’s
schooling, depending on the child’s level. This may only involve the
child’s classroom teacher for the young child, or others, such as
several teachers, counselor, or principal for the older child or
special needs child. Make clear to them that the child’s parent has
been deployed and that there may be an increase in stress at home.
Anticipate the first signs of stress in the child. Signs of
vulnerability and stress are deteriorating academic performance,
behavioral problems in the classroom, problems in peer relationships,
unexplained mood changes, tearfulness or irritability, or worsening of previously
existing behavioral problems.
Have a plan devised
with the school authorities for constructive and helpful interventions
to support the child and redirect him/her to previous levels of
successful function. Be ready to have further conferences if necessary.
Be proactive and take the lead.
As the remaining
parent, make sure you take care of yourself. If one is interested in
the well-being of a child, the dictum is always, "Take care of the
caretaker." Unfortunately, because of the many demands upon the
remaining parent, it is difficult to make this happen. Taking care of
oneself must be seen as a necessity and given high priority in
planning. Frequently, the remaining parent is basically a working single
parent. However, sit and plan a schedule, and include the child in the
planning if it is appropriate. Let your child know that you will be
much better able to take care of him/her, that you will be much more
fun to be with, and have more energy if you can take time to get out
and exercise, take a scheduled nap, have alone time, or take time with
a good supportive friend. The time periods can be short, but should be
planned, so that you are not feeling guilty. Express appreciation to
your child when you take the time for yourself, and let him/her know
how much better you feel.
Dr. Thomas Hardaway
Department of Behavioral Medicine
Brooke Army Medical Center
Revised 4 February 2003
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